been teen

i think i reached another possibility to why being casual didn’t feel right for me. it’s...

Thu, 31 Jan 2013 21:44:10 -0500

i think i reached another possibility to why being casual didn’t feel right for me. it’s completely okay that i’m learning about myself and what i like but i think it’s just not fair that guys get to reap the benefits of my self-discovery without caring about me. it all seems very obvious but i think i had to learn it myself to actually realize it’s true.

when i went to denny’s with ray he ordered a glass of milk. it was cute.

Mon, 28 Jan 2013 00:02:16 -0500

when i went to denny’s with ray he ordered a glass of milk. it was cute.

also i guess i wrote this on the plane i forgot to bring a book onto the flight and i also forgot...

Fri, 25 Jan 2013 22:19:00 -0500

also i guess i wrote this on the plane

i forgot to bring a book onto the flight and i also forgot to charge my ipod, so i’m writing a “letter” to pass the time. i decided to when i was in the bathroom and thinking of things to say. there is a bad snl skit on tv. maybe it only looks bad because i’m not listening to the audio.

i slept most of the way here. i kept waking up though because of things i could see out of the corner of my eye. or at least that i thought i saw. i thought of writing to ray but decided against it because he’s probably not very familiar with letter writing. sometimes ray stares at me in a way that intimidates me, but i think it’s just the way he looks at everything. i always avoid eye contact with him. i was thinking about him and salah a lot. for some reason i feel that salah caught on. friday was very nice hanging out with him, but then saturday he was completely stand offish towards me. and then at the park, too. i don’t know why i decided this winter break “i like him, i do, don’t i?” maybe i don’t at all. maybe i’m overthinking it all, which is probably the case. i was also entertaining the idea that ray might like me too, but we decided about two years ago that we had a very good sister/brother relationship. i do feel very comfortable around him, and he’s reassuring and honest with me. i let him borrow norweigan wood, and it’s funny because there happens to be a storyline between a guy and girl who claim to be purely platonic friends, so i’m wondering if he’ll see himself in him. i tend to do that in books. ray asked me if i thought he seemed “sorted out” and i tried to explain my idea of sorted out- people with their philosophies and plans. he had a different definition, though, saying that he always thought he gave good advice and learned from mistakes and didn’t try to fake who he was. i still don’t think he’s got it all sorted out, not completely. maybe it’s just acting like you do. or maybe the difference is in how people talk. i think i talk like i’m figuring things out as i go. i talk like i think, maybe. some people decide what they’ll say and they say it very sure of themselves and it sounds like they’d put money behind what they say.

i think i’ve got to go.

i’m spending the night with a friend at MIT because my campus doesn’t open until...

Fri, 25 Jan 2013 22:06:52 -0500

i’m spending the night with a friend at MIT because my campus doesn’t open until tomorrow and all the mit students are in the hallway being loud and laughing and saying math jokes and it’s a little intimidating. i was going to spend the night at boston boy’s but when i asked him he said “are you going to make it worth it?” and that made me feel really gross with myself so i am not going to talk to him again, i think.

winter break at home was nice. i think i accidentally fell in love with all my guy friends though, just because i hadn’t been exposed to testosterone in such a long time. i did not sleep with anyone though, which is good. i don’t think i’m going to for awhile, perhaps in a “denial of pleasure” sort of way.

i’m going to start writing more again. at least here. just to sort things out.

i’m also latina though, its offensive that everyone thinks...

Sun, 06 Jan 2013 20:47:52 -0500

i’m also latina though, its offensive that everyone thinks i’m only asian.

this is embarrassing but i figured i needed to write it out or something i think i’ve realized...

Mon, 31 Dec 2012 01:32:45 -0500

this is embarrassing but i figured i needed to write it out or something

i think i’ve realized that my boy problem isnt that i want a boy who will love me and hold me and kiss me and be crazy for me but that i want i boy that i will be crazy for and who ill want to hold and kiss and i’ll think is the best boy ever. i thought i thrived off being attractive to boys but it’s not really making me feel that great so maybe i should find someone that i can be intensely attracted to

im still very young tho so i’m learning and it’s not like i need that person but it was just on my mind.

sad, older men are my type.

Fri, 14 Dec 2012 23:37:00 -0500

sad, older men are my type.

manic pixie fuck you

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 16:40:50 -0500

manic pixie fuck you

i was thinking “i hope he’s one of those sad, introverted boys” because i’m...

Mon, 26 Nov 2012 14:21:00 -0500

i was thinking “i hope he’s one of those sad, introverted boys” because i’m very compatible with sad teenage boys but then i thought “no, i should not be dating sad guys anymore because i can’t ever help them, ever” and now i’m just thinking “whatever”.

really, whatever. i need to do homework.

i think i got myself into a date on okcupid with a 26 year old writer/ journalist from boston....

Mon, 26 Nov 2012 14:11:00 -0500

i think i got myself into a date on okcupid with a 26 year old writer/ journalist from boston. he’s handsome but in that generic, beard and glasses and collared shirts way that every white, 20 something year old, “academic” bostonian is.

i told him that russian ark is playing at my college’s theater this sunday and he said “we should go, if you want. that’s a lovely, lovely movie”.

he also didn’t do any of those questions or profile filling out stuff, and when i told him this he said “i guess we’ll just have to talk”

he linked me to his blog and i suppose he’s already kinda a somebody. if anything i’m just networking. he better get me a job someday.

why did i ever lose my virginity? there are now entire blocks of time i just want to be kissed and...

Sun, 25 Nov 2012 21:26:24 -0500

why did i ever lose my virginity? there are now entire blocks of time i just want to be kissed and held and collarbones and necks and arms oh my

there is a trans boy i’ve met and he’s become a good friend of mine and we were eating...

Sat, 20 Oct 2012 14:37:00 -0400

there is a trans boy i’ve met and he’s become a good friend of mine and we were eating breakfast this morning and he asked me what size i was and i said “tiny” and he asked me if i wanted all his old girl clothes because he doesn’t want them but he doesn’t want to sell them or give them to someone he doesn’t know.

and i said sure. but this feels more poetic to me than i think it should. like i’ll be wearing the clothes of someone who was never really real, or something. i don’t know. i overthink a lot of things.

i made an okcupid account and then deleted it after two days because the messages scared me. i...

Sat, 13 Oct 2012 23:57:13 -0400

i made an okcupid account and then deleted it after two days because the messages scared me.

i can’t even do casual sex anyways. it’s no fun. the last boy i slept with didn’t want to cuddle. once after we slept together he was getting dressed very quickly and i said “stay here for a minute please” and he said “elizabeth, we’re not in a relationship.” so he left the room and i stayed in the bed and i did not cry but i just laid there.

he apologizes now.

i feel very naive about this all.

my exboyfriend just put up the song “i can see myself alone forever” by the field mice...

Tue, 10 Jul 2012 00:32:00 -0400

my exboyfriend just put up the song “i can see myself alone forever” by the field mice on facebook except that wasn’t the point, the point is that I can see myself alone forever. or i suppose we’ve got different reasons. i’m not sure. i wish he was happier because i loved him a lot but i can’t be with someone for their sake. i can’t fix him, i can’t fix anyone.

i just realized this is my ~personal blog~ so bear with me.

Fri, 29 Jun 2012 21:47:56 -0400

i just realized this is my ~personal blog~ so bear with me.

i forgot to mention the boy i’m being casual with or whatever with is named mauricio. what a...

Fri, 29 Jun 2012 21:47:31 -0400

i forgot to mention the boy i’m being casual with or whatever with is named mauricio.

what a name. that alone is half the reason i find him interesting.

we are mutually using each other or something like that so i have to be sure not to do anything that’s too clingy which sucks a little because i’m a bit of a romantic and i get really needy but actually it doesn’t matter what i do because he said “do whatever you want, i don’t care” so i’m not supposed to put too much thought in this. it’s supposed to be simple. but now that i think about it, it’s not really. i don’t know what i’m doing.

is this what being 18 is about?

“mauricio”

it rolls of the tongue quite well.

i am 18 now and am now sleeping with the boy i kissed two weeks ago. he is actually the first guy...

Tue, 26 Jun 2012 19:14:00 -0400

i am 18 now and am now sleeping with the boy i kissed two weeks ago. he is actually the first guy i’ve been intimate with who is younger than me but i never really cared about that. we’ve only done it once but he actually made plans to do it again.

when i went to the doctor’s to get a physical my mom went in with me even thought i told her she didn’t have to. i’m 18, after all. i just really didn’t want the doctor to ask something like “are you sexually active” and then i’d have to say yes even though my mom thinks i’m a virgin. there’s something really poetic and romantic about being a virgin that i kind of envy. not abstinence, but just that inexperience and stuff, it’s what movies are made of.

reading my blog from when i was 15-16, even early 17, is just painful. i was so stupid and i thought...

Tue, 26 Jun 2012 19:05:17 -0400

reading my blog from when i was 15-16, even early 17, is just painful.

i was so stupid and i thought i had important things to say.

i’d delete it all but that’d be worse.

PS: i was a little drunk

Sat, 16 Jun 2012 14:37:55 -0400

PS: i was a little drunk

remember that boy i just told you about a bit ago? i kissed him last night. we were at a...

Sat, 16 Jun 2012 14:18:00 -0400

remember that boy i just told you about a bit ago?

i kissed him last night. we were at a friend’s house and everyone else was outside or in the outer room playing wii. i went to the bathroom and when i went out i saw him in the kitchen looking in the fridge (how adorable) and then i decided to talk to him. we talked about intimacy and i told him how i find it so pathetic how everyone just neeeeeds to feel close to someone just to feel accepted and how i do too and that makes me mad because i’m so socially awkward and it’s hard for me. and i told him how i wish we could all just kiss because it feels so nice. but i said everyone makes it complicated afterwards because they feel like there’s obligations, or if you kiss everyone you’re loose or something. then he said he didn’t think so. and i jokingly but not so jokingly asked what would happen if we kissed. and he said it would be nice and comforting. and i closed my eyes and pursed my lips outward and he kissed me.

we proceeded to sneak in a few kisses throughout the night. it was nice. but he said “don’t overthink this” once or twice.

uh-oh.